By default I have always been a thinker. And this is one of the rare moments in which I am going to put my thoughts into words. I started a blog a while back, a private one, that I would go to in my lowest moments just to vomit out my thoughts in an unintelligible form. I accidentally deleted it. This blog is written by a more experienced, happier, more confident, enlightened Adrian. Let's just start on a high note. Blog entries will be rare, but hopefully worth it.
I'm a 24 year old guy living in London. I've been here 18 months now, having moved up here after idolising the city for years as a place where I was destined to be, a land of social opportunity, open-mindedness, positivity, and most importantly, a new start. Stark contrast to where I grew up; Plymouth in southwest England. I found it very tough and never really fit in or made many friends growing up. I have no idea why, I was just always socially awkward and never really felt comfortable in my own skin, which hardly made me magnetic. The biggest draw for my moving to London was the opportunity of making new friends without any of the past hanging over me and not being at all constrained by any external pressures. Unlimited people. Unlimited boys too, and maybe there'd be one amongst them all with whom I click, which, let's face it, was never going to happen in the small town in which I grew up. And if I fuck up in London, there's always another opportunity. London was my chance to shine, a clean slate, and yeah it still is!
So what's up tonight and why I am writing this? I guess to just try and assess what I've been thinking.
I've met a tonne of new people, and have a few very good friends. I have great housemates. I have finally found a job. I need to be thankful and to think positively, and just leave what's in the past, in the past, and that includes my old thought patterns and old habits.
IBut tonight I've gone all existential and keep asking why? And thinking I should try and live differently somehow. To stop using online dating and hookup sites and to start meeting people in the real world. To stop living in the gym all the time, and hopping grudgingly from bar to bar with people who do not lift me up because I have no other option. But I'm not sure how to move on. The goal is to think happier and therefore live happier.
I went to the theatre earlier and saw a production performed by a friend. I always find drama uplifting and liberating, it's a whole world of escapism. It is actors whom I get supremely jealous of, they have an ability to be all things and escape their everyday existences. And they ooze confidence. Real or fake, who knows. I have been told I come across confident at times. It's false. But I want what they have.
So I've got all existential tonight. This is what I'm trying to tell myself in this blog: chill out, relax, stop living in the shadow of your past. Relax around people and accept yourself for who you are. Don't be afraid to dance but don't feel bad about sitting out. And for fuck sake, if someone doesn't like the way you dance, then who cares? And drink, but don't beat yourself up when you're hungover OR get shitty with others. And most of all, don't judge yourself too harshly. It's not all about the boys. Someone will come along. And you have a higher purpose. And stop freaking out over your appearance. People find you hot. And aside from that, it is charisma that is attractive and what sticks in the mind. That's what I find attractive, so why do I put 100% of my efforts into my physical appearance and invest NOTHING in my emotional and spiritual wellbeing? Who knows.
I need to stop thinking about and judging myself all the time. I need to think more about others, listen more, ask questions, and share my thoughts freely and enjoy life. Stop thinking all the time and keep those negative thoughts at bay-- they were never meant to be there. Seek out things that are uplifting and stop putting yourself down.
So that's gonna be all. I slept with a guy earlier with whom I had no physical chemistry. That's what has started this "why?" existentialist debate in my head.
So how do I feel now? Fine. It was just a shag. You're 24, enjoy yourself, chill out, LIVE, there is nothing wrong with you! And go to the theatre, lots. It makes you feel good. Thank you blog.
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